Fattening the Curve!

We’ve all heard about it. My wife calls it the Covid-19… as in pounds. And YES I have put them on just like everyone else. Three weeks ago I filled the freezer stocking up like crazy on survival essentials like cheeseburger hot pockets, Claim Jumper shrimp scampi (yeah I got “champagne tastes”), and of course about 60 boxes of Jimmy Dean’s pancake sausages on a stick…

These are great because they are kind of breakfast or lunch but can work in a pinch for dinner if you eat like ten of them… or also can be used as a quick in between meal snack when you need a pick me up… or a quick anytime snack when you need a harsh bring me down. Warning: for about two hours after you eat these you feel like crap and just want to lay in bed and cry. #cryitout #itsokayformentocry #chocolatetears

Quick aside: American breakfast scientists can figure out how to wrap a pancake around a premium sausage and put it on a stick then fill it with chocolate chips, but they can’t figure out a vaccine! Maybe it’s time to use the Defense Production Act to force American Breakfast Scientists to re-focus their efforts. OR at least figure out some new flavors … How about we try adding some Recess peanut butter cups to this pancake… IMO that would be almost as good as a vaccine. Or is there a load bearing issue with the weight of peanut butter cups? Well… How about a bigger stick guys!? I’m not a breakfast scientist, but even I could figure that out.

ANYWAY – Once I got all this delicious stuff into the freezer I got pretty excited about eating it. So I did. Like fast. My three months of supplies was gone in a flash. Hence the Covid-19. So what are we gonna do, people? Work out! I know, I know… I’d rather be eating frozen shrimp scampi and peanut butter chocolate sausage sticks too… BUT with just a little work – you can keep shoveling down the sweet icy scampi AND maintain a slammin’ figure all at once.

I did a little research and found a great 7 minute workout. I know, I know. SEVEN MINUTES! I get it — I’m a busy guy too… I got lots of frozen food packaging to bag up and throw out just like everyone else… BUT I was determined so ONE day… yesterday in this case… I carved out seven minutes to “work it bitch” as Britney would say #icon #wereallbritneynowkindofifyouthinkaboutit. First I selected a banging outfit… I wanted to look cute at least while I was out there working my bod. I chose shorts and a T-shirt. Also essential: socks and shoes. I was ready to roll. I dialed up a seven minute workout app on my phone and hit “start workout.” Look out abs… prepare to BURN.

NOW to be fair … since I currently have a torn ACL I had to cut a bunch of the exercises they suggested. But even with the 40 seconds or so I could actually workout I totally felt the burn. AND got BIG results. Here’s my before AND after.

Not only do I feel better. I look great and I think the Mrs is going to be verrrry pleased. PS. Full disclosure: I airbrushed out all the sweat and stretch marks and also about 40 lbs of fat rolls.

What is great is not only that in seven minutes I really ripped my six pack up (more like ten pack now!) but the workout didn’t make my caboose all ripped and hard… it’s still nice and juicy just like my gal likes it! (Demands really…. She getting as bad as Yeezus with all the juicy booty demands and nonsensical made up church stuff where she thinks she is Jesus and wears a MAGA hat. Whatever. As long as I can sell my beauty products and be famous I’ll be fine.)

So in conclusion – I highly recommend doing the seven minute workout. AND hot tip… If you don’t heat the Jimmy Dean Chocolate Sausages they make a great icy cool down treat. See you at the gym bitches!


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