Day 11 of Lockdown

So it’s day 11 of lockdown… and I know what a lot of you are thinking… “Oh boy here comes some more nonsense from a left coast Hollywood liberal elite Harvey CK Louis WeinSpacey!” Well first of all I wish I produced Pulp Fiction and starred in Usual Suspects and made Louie (well the first season and maybe some episodes from the second but then eh.) AND does being great at making up stuff mean you can be a monster in real life? No. BUT this is really getting me a way from the point of this piece… Housecleaning. Yes. We may live on the left coast in mansions made of caviar and top hats with hot tubs the size of cadillacs filled with the finest champagne BUT some of us are also humans who actually think about other humans sometimes. I mean I read Deadline everyday and think things like “why are they giving that idiot a deal?” or “I’m way funnier than that idiot… I should get all that money to rewrite that stupid sequel”, “What is wrong with these idiot studios… they should just give me money and then leave me alone!” BUT today is week two of the lockdown and instead of eating a salty hunk of my garage fish egg wall or soaking in scalding Veuve Cliquot… it is cleaning day. AND guess what – we told our maid, I’ll call her Doris, because that is her name, to lockdown and not clean our house the last two weeks. Which means… I am cleaning the house. I know I know — great movie idea right? A maid gets hit by lighting right in the broomstick and changes places with an awesome cool Hollywood producer guy. “We Don’t Got it Maid?” I’m open to offers idiot studios? ANYWAY now it’s time to get real… I’ve been cleaning the house and literally walking a mile in Doris’s shoes. She is a tiny Guatemalan woman and her shoes are both literally and metaphorically uncomfortable. As I dust and vacuum and sweep and wipe stuff with cleaning stuff I’ve of course had some profound thoughts. I thought maybe it was worth sharing some of these humbling lessons and beautiful notions that crossed my mind… for example today as I was vacuuming I was thinking “they really haven’t made vacuums any better since I was in college? The plug still keeps pulling out of the GD wall all the friggin’ time… and the stupid vacuum arm thing keeps unnataching from the end thing… what are these things called anyway! Why has no one named them!” Another thing I was noticing is… “Jesus there are a lot of Legos in this house… who bought all these Legos! OWWWW I stepped on another Lego! I’m not even gonna want to mention this to anyone because it’s such a stupid cliche ! Are we doomed to play out our lives like mere sticom characters? Hopefully at least we’ll get to die like we are characters on dramas… and not stupid formulaic network ones… I want to die like in a classy cable drama — like “Six Feet Under” or something.” Another big realization I had with this “gift” of cleaning that The Pandemic has given me… and yes I say “gift” … because I am being sarcastic…. is when I was confronted with the massive potted palm in our library… another living being right here in our house… and I thought “Why does Doris put this RIGHT in front of our Warhol? I mean I’d rather look at a Warhol than some dumb plant” and then I reflect further as I try to move it “How does Doris move this thing? She must be really strong. She is half my size but I can’t budge this thing and I’ve seen her carrying it around. She must take supplements. I wonder which ones? Like just store bought ones from Whole Foods or like from a secret nutritionist guru. I got to get this guys number.” So it’s a time of reflection for all of us for sure. AND don’t worry — Yes I am still paying Doris. BUT not to take a vacation where she just sits around with her fancy nutritionist getting stronger and stronger while I scrub the floor for free like an idiot. No, If I am gonna do her job I expect her to be writing scripts and selling TV shows and crafting jokes while she is guzzling secret smoothies. So now instead of spending my Tuesdays thinking “When is Doris gonna stop vacumming — I’m trying to create a genius show about a talking dog!” I think “When is Doris gonna send me some GD pages? These scripts don’t just magically write themselves!” So I think “wow things really have changed, it’s a new reality.” And then I step on a Lego. #walkamile #changingperspectives #Legofootpainisreal


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